Mercy Now...

Saturday night found me and my husband at the old town school of folk music - for any one who hasn't been there for a concert - stop reading this now and buy some tix to something/anything! it it such a wonderful space - so intimate and great acoustics. I saw my first Josh Rouse concert there and fell hard for his blue eyes and amazing voice. Anyway - don't get me started about Josh (no we're not close, yet I feel we should be on a first name basis). We went to see Cowboy Junkies - random as I haven't really listened to them since my college years during some melancholy heartbreak moment. Flashback to sitting on my futon bed on the floor, singing along with the lyrics, in between ridiculous, heaving sobs, not even enough dignity to wipe my snotty nose, while the music reinforced the inhumanity of the world. By the way, wasn't college such a great gig? Ok, ok, where was I? Ah yes, the concert...I was pleased to go, but nowhere near a josh rouse excitement (ok, I'm not that addicted to him, though I did manage to spend/waste an hour watching his videos on youtube the other day). 

So, with a full belly thanks to the Daily Bar and Grill, and a yummy beer in hand, we sat down for the opening act - and this is where I was blown away. Mary Gauthier has to be one of the most amazing folk writers ever (never mind that I don't know many folk song writers). I was sitting listening to her, laughing and tearing - I know, crazy! Some of her words just affected me so much - she had such an honest voice. One song, Mercy Now, reminded me of how we all need to give each other love and mercy...yes, we all mess up...and in her words, even our country, our parents, our leaders. I know it's a hard one to grasp because I, and, I'm sure you, can think of people who you just don't feel deserve any mercy. Yet, what can we do? 

So, of course, being me...I just had to buy a cd of hers...signed, thank you very much! And of course I was over the top - like I have to make sure Mary knows how amazing she is. Why am I such a goof? If she had t-shirts, hats, even a guitar pick, I would have bought them all (no, I actually haven't bought anything of Josh's yet - amazing, I know!). 

What's my point? Well, it's good to get off my butt and go hear music - especially some soulful, folky, tragic stuff from time to time. And...to remember that we could all use a little mercy now. 

Go ahead, pick your nose

Do you - moms - ever feel like a lot of what we do is reminding your kids what they can't do? No, honey, we don't lick chocolate syrup and ice cream off the floor, no, not even with the 5 second rule; yes, I know your sister just pummeled you to the ground, but you can't do it back; wash your hands; don't pick your nose; did you say please; it's time for bed; no more tv...and on and on! For me, sometimes it feels like I'm expecting my kids to be super kids, without ever making a mistake...and if they do, say pick their nose, I'm right there to tell them ooh, yucky, we don't do that.

Here's the thing....I make mistakes quite a bit and would go mad if someone was right there to tell me what I just did wrong. What if I want to veg out in front of the tv and someone shows up, right before the show is over and decides I've watched too much and turns it off! Or when I just can't be bothered to wash my hands...I know I should...it's not difficult, but there's times when I just don't want to turn the faucet on, put the soap on, rub the soap around (I heard somewhere for at least 20 seconds!), dry my hands...and as I walk out of the bathroom, someone asks, did I wash my hands? Go back in and wash those hands clean!

So for me it's all about living in the present moment. When I let my ego take charge, it tends to want a perfect little world when everything is in order. But life isn't that way. And maybe, just maybe, when I see a little hand going up to that little nose for a good pick, no matter how gross it is, I'll let them have their pick (I mean, really there are only a few years when nose-picking is even somewhat acceptable anyway). After all, we can't be perfect all the time - how boring!

You're Going to Put the Needle Where?

I just got back from my first acupuncture session! And let me tell you, I feel relaxed and in a lot less pain. To give a very short explanation, my husband went recently as he had western medicine for an issue, and I thought, well, in order to be well-rounded, you gotta throw some eastern medicine into the mix. He had great results. Meanwhile...I started to get a pain in my butt - literally - funny, right. I must have pulled a muscle and 4 weeks later I was getting sick of doing a slow roll out of bed, and even slower roll onto the floor off the couch. And, before we go any further, I would recommend acupuncture to anyway.

So...off I went. And it was a great experience...except for 2 mistakes - 1 by me, 1 by dr. dan. Here's mine - and this is total ego here, because, I do realize that no one, especially dr. dan, cares! So I arrive, fill out my form, and go back to chat about my issues. Saying I have a pain in my butt to friends and family is funny, but it just sounds plain silly when I'm telling dr. dan. Anyway...we got into the practice room, lovely stressfree room, with one of those lovely paper robes laying on the table. As soon as he said, 'take your jeans and socks off and put the robe on with the opening to the back.', this voice in my head yelled - Thong!!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I wore a thong. So maybe no big deal to you - but all I could think of was, great, this poor dr. dan now has to look at my white ass with a strip of cotton between the cheeks as he's going to put needles in and talk about the great energy! Wonderful! I started to think of all the appropriate underwear I could have one - oh yes, my stripey hanes boy shorts, or oh yep, that old pair from the gap would have been just fine. But no...I had to go and wear a thong. I wasn't thinking....and usually I like to be prepared for anyone who will be inspecting a part of my body. Well, I got over it - and hopefully he did too! Note to self, thong it at my own peril!

Ready for mistake #2? The incorrect placement of posters. So after dr. dan leaves, I'm lying on my side with my bare ass (somewhat covered, but the needles really get in the way) hanging out. I was actually really relaxing and feeling so good. Then I started to look at a poster, right in front of me, with different life-like drawings of the body with locations of various needle points. There was the whole body (very cool), then a close-up of the eye (wonder if that hurts), the arm, the leg, the nether-regions of a man...what! Are you kidding me. Pretty much at eye-level was a life-like drawing of a man with legs open wide, his twig and berries laying ever so neatly on top, a life-like whole representation of the you-know-what...and then a black dot right right in no man's land, where a needle would go! Right there for me to look at, to stare at, to tell myself look away, look away, but looking back...and thinking about how would I relax if I had a needle in that area? Dr. dan, move that poster!
I guess, on a positive note, dr. dan's seen a lot worse than my butt!

Tuesday Timeout

I woke up this morning thinking about the whole meditation thing. And it seems like such a good idea - you know, sit somewhere quiet, reflect, do a little chanting if it helps - some quality time to just be...and then I thought - that's exactly what a timeout should be like! Wouldn't we, with kids, want them to sit quiet for those few minutes and reflect on what happened? Instead, what happens in my house, they scream, cry, bounce up and down, basically wanting to do anything but sit and reflect. Then I thought - that's what I do when I try and meditate...just turned down a few notches. My mind doesn't want to reflect or be quiet - it starts thinking, making lists, then my body gets an itch that I just really want to scratch. In essence I'm bouncing up and down and screaming! It's always been tough for me.

So this morning, I decided I would give myself a timeout. I know timeouts are a minute for every year, right...but I wasn't prepared/willing to sit that long! So I went with 6 minutes - the age of my son. 

I set the alarm (I know, really, for 6 minutes - but I wanted those 6 minutes to be uninterrupted blissful quietness). Then I started. Here's a glimpse of how it played out for the first 2-3 minutes...

"it's quiet in here, this is good, I need the quiet, wow, it's windy outside...stop thinking about the wind, think about nothing, ok, I can think about nothing, wait, now your thinking about thinking about nothing..."

Then for about 30 seconds I got it. I focused on my breathing and everything really did become peaceful. I felt calm and without any need to do anything. Then I heard this little voice in me say 'You are one'. Then it was gone and I was back into planning my day. But I felt it just for a moment. And that moment, my friends, is why every tuesday I'm going to meditate...I loved that feeling of just being. I know - 1 day a week - I have to start small or I'll get overwhelmed and stop. I will do it more than 6 minutes though - that really wasn't enough time. There is something to be said for just finding a quiet moment to sit with myself - I do feel a little more energized...and can go back to that brief moment when I realized I am one.

What's with the name?

As I started this whole new blogging site up last night, my husband asked - what's the name MomEgo all about? Well - I've come to the realization that being a mom is a challenge and at times I feel like the only thing that identifies me is the fact that I am a mom. Add to that my ego that likes to get in the way of me living my life. In my world, there's the obvious ego - the one that wants to look good...like in this recent scenario. Getting dressed for an evening out and wondering if I could really get away with these really cool, but tight, jeans I just bought, that I swear didn't feel tight in the store. The answer was a resounding Hell no, as I proceeded to get a huge rip right under my ass from doing multiple squats in the attempt to make the jeans a little less tight - good times! 

Then there's the not so obvious, slightly sneaky ego - the one that makes me second guess myself, or wonder if I'm doing the right thing, did I do the right thing, will I do the right thing. You know, right? (if you don't know what I'm talking about, then just write me off as crazy!) The voice that says, remember the time when, or what happens if. 

So as a mom that is unsure of my path in life, and with this ego that just wants me to be unsure - I thought that's it - my challenge is to come to terms with the mom in me and the ego in me...and, drum roll please - MomEgo.

I don't know how this really works - honestly, I don't know what to write about. As I look at the blogs I love to read, I started wondering, what draws me to these blogs. And it's the honesty, the humor, the insight into someone else's life that may help me in my life. So again, welcome and enjoy. 

I've Had It

Ok, so I've had it and my husband has had it. One more conversation about how to be happy, what's life about, how do I fit it all in...again. Seems like every couple of months, ok, let's be honest, weeks, I want to talk about how do I find my passion again. As if I've lost it somewhere along the way. It's easier to say that I've just lost it, when perhaps all along I never had it. Now, I can turn to the kids, my job, where we live, lack of time...for the reason that I am not fulfilled. I secretly know that I didn't have it...and am scared as hell to figure out what it is. Because in my mind, I think my passion must be so opposite of what I'm doing right now that I'd have to turn my back on everything and start over. See my problem? 

So this is my journey - well, my journey has been going for quite some time. This is the start of my journey as a blogger. I know there's other people, moms, non-moms, out there that feel the same way I do. And maybe my rantings will shed light for me and others. That's what it's all about, right? We all have to help each other figure it out. I'm scared of taking this leap - I'll have to stop blaming others and actually do something! Yikes - that's a new one for me.

I'm ready - come along with me. Tomorrow - I think I need to write about my Easter day with the family.